Nederland, it is time to face the truth.

March 21st, 2021.

I’m non-binary and bisexual. Both of which seem to be very confusing identities to other people because of their perceived ambiguity.

Still, I knew I liked girls when I was just 12 years old. I must have been about 13 years old when I first came out to what I thought were my friends. I was so nervous, that I couldn’t bring myself to utter the words “Ik ben biseksueel” out loud. Instead, I typed them on my friend’s phone for her to read them to the rest of the group. My friends initially responded pretty well to my coming out. But it didn’t take long until we had our next regular teenage girl fight, and said “friends” outed me against my will — and not as “bisexual” but as a “lesbian.”

The following months were filled with a seemingly endless stream of homophobic slurs. Vuile pot, kankerlesbo, spletenlikker, vieze lesbi, flikker, en natuurlijk de goeie oude “homooooo” — I’ve heard them all. I struggled with internalized homophobia for years. Not just that, I struggled with internalized biphobia, too. You see, homosexuality and bisexuality were, and still are, drenched in stigma. And growing up, I only ever saw bisexual women represented as objects of sexualization. I only ever saw myself represented through the heterosexual male gaze; a gaze that rendered my sexuality invalid, and irrelevant unless it could be exploited for men’s sexual desires; unless it somehow still centered men. It is unsurprising, then, that the notion that bisexual women are “really just straight” and only claim to be bi for the attention of men, has proven to be such a stubborn stereotype.

This also reflects an important intersection between my gender and my sexuality. I may be non-binary, meaning I don’t identify as either a woman or a man, but the reality is that the outside world still sees and treats me as a woman. And it’s ironic, really. My whole life I was reminded of the fact that I wasn’t “woman” enough for womanhood. I was too loud. Too “lomp.” Too outspoken. Too brash. I was too argumentative and intimidating to be liked by men. I transgressed the boundaries of what was deemed appropriate behavior for a “woman” or a “girl.” I took up too much space. And so, logically, I was called a “bitch.” And yet, when I finally found myself in a gender identity that exists outside this arbitrary, binary category of “woman,” it still didn’t liberate me from the burdens of womanhood. That is to say, I may not be “woman” enough for womanhood, but I damn sure am “woman” enough to be subjected to sexism and misogyny. I’m “woman” enough to be mansplained to. “Woman” enough to be talked over. “Woman” enough to have to work twice as hard as a white man to get to the same place. “Woman” enough to be followed home by men. “Woman” enough to be sexually harassed. “Woman” enough to be raped.

About 3 years ago, I was walking home from the Pride Walk, here in Den Haag. I made my way from Grote Markt to HS, through China Town. I was wearing my Pride flag, listening to Lady Gaga’s 'Born This Way,' enjoying the sun, when suddenly three men on a scooter stopped in front of me on top of the bridge. They pushed me into the railings, spit on the ground, aiming for but just missing my feet, and called me a “vieze kankerpot.” A filthy dyke. They then proceeded to tell me that they should “fuck the gay out of me.” This was in broad daylight. Nobody came to my defense. Instead, I heard the woman walking past me tell her husband: “Tja, moet ze ook maar niet zo met die vlag rondlopen.”

I’m “woman” enough, to know that it was my sex that underlay the corrective rape threat I received that day. I’m “woman” enough to know that Dutch society is as deeply steeped in patriarchy, as it is in its own denial of that fact. And even if people seek to invalidate my same-sex attraction and gender identity, I am Queer enough to know that these sorts of altercations aren’t a rarity in Nederland. I am Queer enough to know that homophobia and transphobia are still prevalent in Nederland, and that they’re not confined to certain ethnic or religious groups.

Nevertheless, many people still desperately cling onto the myth of a tolerant, Queer-friendly, gender-equal Nederland. They seek to distribute the blame for Queerphobia and sexism to Muslims, immigrants, refugees, or “Marokkanen.” Oftentimes, we are positioned as being polar opposites. And sure, I’ll admit: I’m certainly a bit cautious around religious people. Because I’ve learned that “God loves you” can quickly turn into “God hates you” when you’re Queer. But Muslims and Marokkaanse Nederlanders are not my polar opposite. We need to do away with the idea that our communities can only stand in hostility, and not in solidarity with one another. I know for a fact that the latter is possible, because I see the genuine love between me and my Muslim and Moroccan friends as evidence of this possibility.

However, to some people, my lived realities only matter when they can be weaponized against the communities that my friends belong to. Yes, Geert Wilders; Yes, Thierry Baudet, I’m talking to you. Jullie geven niks om mijn gemeenschap, om seksisme, transfobie of homohaat, tenzij jullie het kunnen misbruiken om Moslimhaat en xenofobie te rechtvaardigen. Maar wanneer seksisme en Queerfobie vanuit de kerk en wit Nederland komen, kijken jullie weg. Toen SGP-voorman van der Staaij de Nashville-verklaring ondertekend had, twitterde jij, Wilders, dat vervolging door het OM “totale waanzin” was, en dat predikers van de Qur’an eerst maar eens vervolgd moesten worden. In de Tweede Kamer beweerde jouw partij dat er nergens in Christelijke gemeenschappen geweld opgeroepen wordt tegen LHBT+ personen, bagatelliseerden jullie de sociale uitsluiting, de fysieke dreiging, de intimidatie, en het daadwerkelijke geweld tegen LHBT+ personen vanuit de kerk, en begonnen jullie uiteraard weer over homofobie in Islamitische gemeenschappen. I guess homophobia only matters to you when you can weaponize it against Muslims, huh?

Ondertussen beweerde jij, Baudet, ongegeneerd dat “vrouwen veelal minder ambitie hebben en minder excelleren dan mannen”, ‘een beetje linksig’ zijn “tot ze een rechtse man ontmoeten”, en overrompeld en overmeesterd willen worden door mannen. Even voor de duidelijkheid: Baudet’s partij, de FvD, heeft er zojuist 6 zetels erbij gekregen. Dus, Nederland: I guess sexism is fine as long as it comes from white, non- Muslim men, huh?

To these two cisgender, heterosexual male politicians who love to speak on behalf of people like me, let me say this loud and clear: my oppression is not your political tool. Ik ben er klaar mee dat Cis-Hetero witte mannen over mijn rug hun haat en discriminatie jegens andere groepen rechtvaardigen, maar hun kop in het zand steken wanneer het hun eigen seksisme en Queerfobie betreft. Want als ik me dáárover uitspreek, krijg ik de wind van voren. Dan ben ik een dom, naïef links meisje; een wegkijker, een aansteller, een mannenhater, een feminazi, en moet ik eens stoppen met die eeuwige “slachtofferrol.”

But Queerphobia and sexism are just as much a product of white Nederland as they are of immigrant Nederland, Muslim Nederland, Marokkaans Nederland — you name it. They are a product of heterosexism, patriarchy; a product of hate, of bigotry. The idea that, without Muslims and immigrants, Nederland would be some sort of Queer-friendly, feminist utopia, is a lie. And as long as Nederland refuses to acknowledge this, anti-Queer violence, sexism, gender-related violence, and femicide will continue. Nederland, it is time to face the truth.

And it is precisely for this reason, that I will not turn my back on Muslims, Marokkaanse Nederlanders, Black Nederlanders, Nederlanders of color, immigrants, refugees, and other marginalized groups: because the discrimination they face, is a product of hate and bigotry, too. And no matter how hard people try to breed hostility between us, I know that we can stand in solidarity. And I know that we must stand in solidarity if we wish to eradicate the discrimination we face. We need each other. We need to fight for each other.

Because if it is not liberation for ALL of us, it is not liberation at all.